How to Stay Sober When Your Spouse Still Drinks

Words of advice on how to stay sober, sane, and (hopefully) happily married, while your spouse still drinks.

Sure, they say it takes two to tango, but when it comes to quitting drinking - you cannot force your spouse to do it with you. If you’ve made the incredible decision to quit drinking (YAY YOU!) but your spouse just isn’t quit ready to make that leap, it’s imperative that you set some serious boundaries and commit to clear communication as you embark on this exciting journey. Without preparation or the right mindset, it can begin to put a strain on your relationship and ultimately prevent you from racking up those desired dry days. So how can we stay sober, stay sane, and hopefully happily married? Here are some helpful tips for success:

• Open and Honest Communication. When you speak to your partner, make sure you’re being clear about how you’re feeling and what you need. If you sugar coat it or (worst of all) assume they know what you’re feeling, it’s a recipe for disaster. Take the time to explain to them why this is important to you, what you’re looking forward to in this new chapter, and how they can best support you. Now I know that last part can be kind of tricky, because in early sobriety it’s not uncommon that we don’t even know exactly how to support ourselves. But again, being open about your feelings, letting them know when you’re having a hard day, a good day, or need a little space, can hopefully keep them in the loop and feel like they’re able to help when needed.

• Identify Your Triggers. Personally, I’m not a huge fan of the word ‘triggers’, but it is super important in early sobriety to identify the people, places, objects, and/or emotions that tend to lead to drinking. Not sure what your triggers are? I’d start by asking yourself some of these questions: “Do certain places make me want to drink?”, “Do I find it hard to NOT drink when I hang out with certain people?”, “Do I tend to drink when I’m feeling certain emotions?”. After answering those questions (truthfully I might add!), now’s the perfect time to share those with your spouse. Clearly communicating the people and places you might want to avoid for a bit to ensure success, is exactly the information you need to make yourself and your spouse aware of.

• Set Healthy Boundaries. Once you’ve established good communication with your spouse and have identified your triggers, now’s an excellent time to set some healthy boundaries. This is super important for individuals who still socialize with drinkers and/or are living with someone that drinks. You may discover strong emotions arise when your spouse drinks, so a boundary (or should I say request?) you may set is asking them politely to limit or not drink at all in the home. At the very least, perhaps they could pour their drink into a different cup/glass that makes it hard to see what’s in it. There’s also a good chance that you two have mutual friends you need to spend less time with in early sobriety. If your spouse wants to continue spending time with these friends, maybe request that he/she does so outside of the home in the beginning. I know this can be awkward at first, but know that it’s most likely temporary. You just need time to strengthen those sober muscles and by setting healthy boundaries, you’ll get stronger faster.

• Focus on New Habits Together. Part of this exciting chapter is learning to not only avoid your triggers and avoid destructive behavior, but to also take advantage of this opportunity to find new, fun, life-giving activities to do together. Getting involved in new activities can not only be a great alternative to drinking, but can present quality time spent together. Consider some of these healthy habits/activities:

  • Reconnect with nature: go hiking, biking, camping, picnicking. Have a nightly bonfire in the backyard. Start boating, kayaking, sailing, or fishing.

  • Express your creativity: start painting, sketching, woodworking, crafting, play an instrument, scrapbook, write poetry, try knitting. I found in my own journey that keeping my hands busy (for me it was watercolors) definitely helped me curb cravings those first few weeks.

  • Start practicing meditation, relaxation, or yoga together.

  • Visit museums, theaters, coffee shops, bookstores, and make it a weekly date.

• Don’t be Discouraged if They Just Don’t Get It. While we’ve discussed how important it is for you to make sure you’re communicating with your spouse, it’s also equally important that you practice being a good listener for them. Giving them space to express how they’re feeling and keeping those lines open, shows that you’re supportive as well. Along with being a good listener, it’s important to be patient. If your spouse was your drinking buddy, they may need some time to adjust to this change, and that’s perfectly fine. Should them needing some time to adjust to this change keep you from quitting? Heck no, pal. But just keep in mind that while they don’t necessarily get a say in your sobriety, they should in fact have a voice in your relationship. Again, be patient and just remember this might take some time. Before you know it, they’ll see all of the amazing benefits you’re experiencing by making this one change - they’ll be ready to purchase their ticket for the sober train (when ready, of course) and that inspiration will have all come from your incredible example. Be proud of that.

• Find a Support Network that Does Get It. If you’re not finding support in the home, you’ve got some homework to do. Finding a supportive sober community is imperative when your goal is long-term sobriety. Having the ability to connect with other individuals who understand the struggles that come with removing alcohol, can help people stay accountable and enthusiastic about their sober journey. Not sure where to find a group? Try simply googling “sober groups near me.” In addition to AA, you may discover tons of other groups such as: SMART Recovery, SoberSis, The Luckiest Club, Sober Mom Squad, and more, that offer live and virtual meetings in your area. If you attend one and it doesn’t feel like a good fit, explore another one! Don’t just stop at one. Other ideas could include: fitness studios, sports leagues, faith groups, volunteering, social media, take a course, heck, start your own meetup. Having a sober network of even just a few friends can help keep you accountable and motivated keep going.

Lastly, if you happen to be reading this because the table is flipped and YOU are the one wondering if you need to get sober because your spouse doesn’t drink - let me just say, kudos to you for taking the time to consider this. It’s definitely not required, but it definitely helps. My advice? Consider taking a break and show your support by not drinking with them as they embark on this new chapter. It shows that you care, that you’re willing to do hard things for and with them, and that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to help them become the best version of themselves. Heck, you may even discover many, many, many benefits yourself just by kicking booze to the curb. Not to mention, your relationship might grow in ways you never expected. Being completely alcohol-free allows you to be 100% YOU with your partner. You’ll have real conversations, be clear-headed, present, and discover a deeper connection. If ya ask me, I’d say it’s worth a shot.